Tomorrow will be 8 months without my Babe, my best friend . . . At 8 months of losing him I'm at a stage where I fcking hate everything and everyone. Especially the happy married ones. The ones that have been married for a while. I especially hate this 'Maria, you are one of the strongest person I have ever known'. The issue with that is, yea I am fckn strong, yea I've gone through shit, yea I used to drink to heal my pain, to wash my pain, to get through shit I was going through. Beer used to my bff. Beer would help me. NOW, I am broken. My family and so called friends can't see that. My kids, who by the way are adults (26,25,22,21,15), and my 6 closest friends know I'm broken. They have never seen me like this. FCK, I didn't think it was possible. But here I am, I'm fckn broken. In alot of peoples eyes I'm wonder woman; eventually I would shake it off, drink a beer and I was all good. People can't seem to see that it's not the same. A beer is not going to solve what I'm feeling. Apparently time is suppose to do the trick.
'This is your new world', people keep telling me. - I don't fckn want it. And I would love for people to stop saying that. It doesn't help. It's actually hurtful.
My next step is to heal, right?
Yea, no fckn chance. Not happening any time soon. Maybe never.
I read this from maybe a beer can or mezcal bottle, don't remember exactly. . Choose to remember Babe from all the good things he was, all the good memories and the person he was OR choose to remember his death, because the heart can't do both. - I would love to choose A, but I was present for both.
Maybe one day I will feel strong again. And I know God took my Babe because he was needed. I just wish I had more time with him.
Yesterday I felt my husband hold my hand, faintly heard his voice. I know he knows my plans for tomorrow. Go to work, stop at Specs and drink till I can't. I know losing a loved one is hard but this is awful. Like there are no words to describe my pain. My husband is an amazing, incredible person. And I am a handful. Still don't know how he was able to handle me. . I miss Babe. I miss his voice, his touch, his laughter, our drinking talks.
If you are reading this, thank you for listening to me.
'This is your new world', people keep telling me. - I don't fckn want it. And I would love for people to stop saying that. It doesn't help. It's actually hurtful.
My next step is to heal, right?
Yea, no fckn chance. Not happening any time soon. Maybe never.
I read this from maybe a beer can or mezcal bottle, don't remember exactly. . Choose to remember Babe from all the good things he was, all the good memories and the person he was OR choose to remember his death, because the heart can't do both. - I would love to choose A, but I was present for both.
Maybe one day I will feel strong again. And I know God took my Babe because he was needed. I just wish I had more time with him.
Yesterday I felt my husband hold my hand, faintly heard his voice. I know he knows my plans for tomorrow. Go to work, stop at Specs and drink till I can't. I know losing a loved one is hard but this is awful. Like there are no words to describe my pain. My husband is an amazing, incredible person. And I am a handful. Still don't know how he was able to handle me. . I miss Babe. I miss his voice, his touch, his laughter, our drinking talks.
If you are reading this, thank you for listening to me.
-this is the only place where I can actually express myself. thank u. 
