Sobriety Thread

[ChefBoyRG54]

Guys, thank you as this has given me a lot to think about. I'll report back.

Oh, and don't do too much of this "thinking" thing

 

[ItsBarbarino]

Oh, and don't do too much of this "thinking" thing

Sage advice. Thinking is where I come up with all my worst ideas.

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[ChefBoyRG54]

Sage advice. Thinking is where I come up with all my worst ideas.

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Having a conversation with a manipulative asshole. Prob why I have so many cigars

 

[8ball]

If you're truly happy for her, brother, then you've already made amends.

Here's my .02, take it for what it's worth....



This is the problem, and in my opinion, why you're having trouble. Making amends is about righting the wrongs that you did while you were drinking. In one book: "Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us." Having people in the past seeing that your doing well is great, but that's a function of ego, I think. No one wants to think "All my ex's think I'm a piece of shit." However, to set out to prove otherwise under the guise of making amends will end bad. Reaffirm your Third step regarding God's will, and having the right motives.

Talk with your sponsor. Talk with God. Talk with your peers at meetings. Read Step 9 in the 12 & 12. Meditate and pray. If you find that you honestly owe amends and won't cause further harms to your family or theirs, then do so; be transparent with everyone around you to show that your purpose is to act in God's will, not your own.

Don't know much about drinking but I know a bit about people and I think there's a chance that you want closure for your sake and not their sake. If that's the case, just let it be.

Ara kind of nailed it, even though I hate to say it.

8, we....became willing to make amends to them all.

Not, we made amends to them all.

9, made direct amends wherever POSSIBLE, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Injure could mean physically, mentally, or emotionally. Even though you're ready, they may not be. Nor may they ever be.

This is where trusting the process is ever so critical. If you trust the process is working (which it appears it is from your updates, and I know it does from my experience) then your opportunities to make amends will present themself in due time. You don't have to seek them out like some crazy, apologetic nuisance who needs his own closure no matter the cost. This causes more harm...thus more future amends

Don't let me complicate this. Keep it simple and let things come to you. You may find in your own time that the best amends are just to not be that guy anymore or not do that BS any more. Doesn't mean you have to go back to every kid you made fun of in high school to tell them they are a winner. Just go with the recovery flow and....wait for it.....more will be revealed!!!

Bottom line, don't use today and everything will be alright. Keep it up, we're all proud of you!

After much prayer, you guys helping (God bless you guys) and reviewing my notes from my sponsor from when we met, I'm seeing things more clearly. I'm filing ex's under category 3 of people I will never make amends to (most likely never). No need to, really. These people have moved on in there lives, have families, and it's doubtful my actions have any impact on their current wellbeing. If anything, maybe my actions led them to better relationships. I'm a true believer that God has a plan for everyone, and sometimes bad situations are required to lead to good situations. Ara was 100% on this one, I was the one seeking closure. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change".

My sponsor also told me that I don't need to go crazy with contacting everyone, but if you run into someone and feel the need to make amends than do so as long as it doesn't harm them. I'm also over the whole thing of wondering what people think of me. That is my character flaw "self centerdnes" rearing its ugly head.

I may still do the Facebook thing as I do have friends that I've lost touch with, but these people actually have pleasant memories and some have expressed (through closer friends) that they'd love to see what's going on in my life. I do feel that the ex's that I've done wrong are amends that I do not need to seek out as too much potential harm comes into play. im at a greater sense of peace right now. The fact that Im truly happy for an ex (whom is now married and has kids), is proof that God has taken this from me. I had huge resentments over this girl, heck, I hated her guts. That is closure enough for me.

Thank you guys. Sometimes we need to hear it from others that have gone through this process (and those not familiar with the steps), to see things more clearly.

 

[3/5King]

Guys, I need some serious advice on making my amends.

I've overcome and realize my character defects and am making amends to those I've harmed. Which brings me to past friends and ex's. I'm married for 10 years, but I've had deep resentments toward ex's and I only now know my part in the failure of those relationships. The other day, I located my ex online (obviously did not contact), saw that she is married and has kids, and felt truly happy for her (can you tell I'm growing?)

I've decided to not openly contact any since this could bring potential harm, but I do wish to explain myself if it was presented. I don't dwell on it, but It would be nice if ex's and old friends from my past at least see that I'm living well and have a family that I care about and not remember me as the self centered alcoholic drunk that I was.

I'm debating about joining Facebook for this reason. Have any of you guys gone through anything like this? I'm sure some people wonder if I'm still even alive (then again maybe not). I'd be at peace if I could make amends to these people, but I am worried about opening up a can of worms. I'm proud of my family, but still think of old girls and friends from time to time. Any advise is appreciated.

"What other people are thinking is non of your business" ~ Big Book

 

[ChefBoyRG54]

I had huge resentments over this girl, heck, I hated her guts. That is closure enough for me

If it makes you feel better, I still have an ex I resent and hate the guts of. I don't sit here wishing her the best or hoping she is enjoying life. It was some of the worst days of my life being with her, on drugs, and everything that comes with that combo.

However, it did result in me hitting my bottom and turning my life around. It also helped me, after analyzing with my sponsor through step work, establish a basis for what I actually wanted in a relationship. I learned a lot about what I didn't want and built a foundation of what I would not accept going forward. I actually wrote a list of things I wouldn't tolerate, which helped me set my own boundaries and made me a better person as a result. It prepared me for when my wife eventually showed up.

The ex was bat shit crazy. But it helped me to see just how bat shit crazy I was also. It's easy to pull out the blame thrower and judge ourselves against others who are worse to conive ourselves in the thinking were not that bad, but taking the hard look at ourselves is was recovery is about.

 

[8ball]

If it makes you feel better, I still have an ex I resent and hate the guts of. I don't sit here wishing her the best or hoping she is enjoying life. It was some of the worst days of my life being with her, on drugs, and everything that comes with that combo.

However, it did result in me hitting my bottom and turning my life around. It also helped me, after analyzing with my sponsor through step work, establish a basis for what I actually wanted in a relationship. I learned a lot about what I didn't want and built a foundation of what I would not accept going forward. I actually wrote a list of things I wouldn't tolerate, which helped me set my own boundaries and made me a better person as a result. It prepared me for when my wife eventually showed up.

The ex was bat shit crazy. But it helped me to see just how bat shit crazy I was also. It's easy to pull out the blame thrower and judge ourselves against others who are worse to conive ourselves in the thinking were not that bad, but taking the hard look at ourselves is was recovery is about.

Yeah, I think we just need to let go. The ex I had was from almost 15 years ago! And the fact that I wished her ill will 15 years later and had so much anger toward her was proof that I had a huge character flaw. The funny thing is that she dumped me and (probably) cheated on me because of my own part. I was the one that drank that relationship away. It's amazing on how this process helped me understand that. Truth is, if I was sober and more caring, she probably wouldn't have done what she did. Once I realized that (15 years later, lol), my eyes opened and the hate went away. Why did I expect her to put up with my BS? It goes back to my part: self centered & expectations. It was so crazy when after all these years, I saw her and her family and she looked happy. All that hate went away. It's amazing. I think that's why I wanted to make amends, because I only now realize that it was me and not her. At this point as @ZippoGeek pointed out, I guess that is my amends. No need to contact her, she's happy, I'm happy, case closed.

Ryan, I can understand your situation, as mine was of my own doing, not hers. Sounds like you had a loopy one. How can you can make amends to someone who is still crazy, done so much damage, and would probably tell you to F off?

It's crazy how we have great marriages, great kids, and we still care about that crap. Thankfully, I never had anyone that majorly screwed me over.

 

[sofc]

@8ball, at this point, I'm not sure you need to make amends. It would probably make your life more difficult as well as hers. Neither one of you need the hassle.

Time to move on.

 

[ChefBoyRG54]

Yeah, I think we just need to let go. The ex I had was from almost 15 years ago! And the fact that I wished her ill will 15 years later and had so much anger toward her was proof that I had a huge character flaw. The funny thing is that she dumped me and (probably) cheated on me because of my own part. I was the one that drank that relationship away. It's amazing on how this process helped me understand that. Truth is, if I was sober and more caring, she probably wouldn't have done what she did. Once I realized that (15 years later, lol), my eyes opened and the hate went away. Why did I expect her to put up with my BS? It goes back to my part: self centered & expectations. It was so crazy when after all these years, I saw her and her family and she looked happy. All that hate went away. It's amazing. I think that's why I wanted to make amends, because I only now realize that it was me and not her. At this point as @ZippoGeek pointed out, I guess that is my amends. No need to contact her, she's happy, I'm happy, case closed.

Ryan, I can understand your situation, as mine was of my own doing, not hers. Sounds like you had a loopy one. How can you can make amends to someone who is still crazy, done so much damage, and would probably tell you to F off?

It's crazy how we have great marriages, great kids, and we still care about that crap. Thankfully, I never had anyone that majorly screwed me over.

We were both loopy. But I'm not some spiritual guru who can be zen about everything. As much as I learned from our relationship over 10 years ago, I still think she's a shitty person and haven't fully let my hatred for her go. Character flaw, probably. Ridiculous, yep. But I still have some effect from it so my resentment lives on even if much less toned down from the midst of it.

 

[8ball]

@8ball, at this point, I'm not sure you need to make amends. It would probably make your life more difficult as well as hers. Neither one of you need the hassle.

Time to move on.

Truth!

 

[sofc]

We were both loopy. But I'm not some spiritual guru who can be zen about everything. As much as I learned from our relationship over 10 years ago, I still think she's a shitty person and haven't fully let my hatred for her go. Character flaw, probably. Ridiculous, yep. But I still have some effect from it so my resentment lives on even if much less toned down from the midst of it.

One thing I've learned about resentment is that it usually doesn't impact the other person but has a horrible impact on you.

 

[DimeWideNickelHigh]

After much prayer, you guys helping (God bless you guys) and reviewing my notes from my sponsor from when we met, I'm seeing things more clearly. I'm filing ex's under category 3 of people I will never make amends to (most likely never). No need to, really. These people have moved on in there lives, have families, and it's doubtful my actions have any impact on their current wellbeing. If anything, maybe my actions led them to better relationships. I'm a true believer that God has a plan for everyone, and sometimes bad situations are required to lead to good situations. Ara was 100% on this one, I was the one seeking closure. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change".

My sponsor also told me that I don't need to go crazy with contacting everyone, but if you run into someone and feel the need to make amends than do so as long as it doesn't harm them. I'm also over the whole thing of wondering what people think of me. That is my character flaw "self centerdnes" rearing its ugly head.

I may still do the Facebook thing as I do have friends that I've lost touch with, but these people actually have pleasant memories and some have expressed (through closer friends) that they'd love to see what's going on in my life. I do feel that the ex's that I've done wrong are amends that I do not need to seek out as too much potential harm comes into play. im at a greater sense of peace right now. The fact that Im truly happy for an ex (whom is now married and has kids), is proof that God has taken this from me. I had huge resentments over this girl, heck, I hated her guts. That is closure enough for me.

Thank you guys. Sometimes we need to hear it from others that have gone through this process (and those not familiar with the steps), to see things more clearly.

I caught this late, but it seems like you are in a better place mentally with things which is amazing. Usually takes me much longer to get my head on straight when things get me like that. You are a strong dude, stronger than me. Stay positive brother!

 

[ChefBoyRG54]

One thing I've learned about resentment is that it usually doesn't impact the other person but has a horrible impact on you.

Like drinking poison expecting the other person to die

I moved past a bunch of them. This one isn't a glaring resentment, just one that I will not completely let go, but on the other side be extremely grateful for what I learned from experiencing it

 

[sofc]

Like drinking poison expecting the other person to die

I moved past a bunch of them. This one isn't a glaring resentment, just one that I will not completely let go, but on the other side be extremely grateful for what I learned from experiencing it

I wasn't judging.

 

[ChefBoyRG54]

I wasn't judging.

It's ok. Only Ara can judge me

 

[Old Smokey]

Hadn't read this thread for a couple of months and got caught up this morning. Great Saturday morning read. Thanks for sharing guys! The program works if we work it.

 

[8ball]

Hadn't read this thread for a couple of months and got caught up this morning. Great Saturday morning read. Thanks for sharing guys! The program works if we work it.

So true. I see guys all the time that fight it. If you want to be sober, why not embrace it? I've learned everyone has to follow their own path. I will tell you guys though, this is the happiest I've been in years, and life's curveballs don't seem to bother me anymore.

 

[Old Smokey]

So true. I see guys all the time that fight it. If you want to be sober, why not embrace it? I've learned everyone has to follow their own path. I will tell you guys though, this is the happiest I've been in years, and life's curveballs don't seem to bother me anymore.

Well said. I used to have a sponsor who always told me to get out of the results business. Which I learned was trying to orchestrate and control everything. That's not my job. Practicing this helped me with acceptance and just focus on doing the next right thing and leaving the results to the one in charge.

 

[ZippoGeek]

>>I used to have a sponsor who always told me to get out of the results business. Which I learned was trying to orchestrate and control everything.<<

get out of the results business. Which I learned was trying to orchestrate and control everything.

That's a great POV to live by brother.

 

[ItsBarbarino]

Just wanted to check in. 8 years sober today. God is good. I hope you guys all have a wonderful day.

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