What makes a marriage last?

[bmony]

I have to ask those who have a good, long lasting marriage what is the key? I am going through a divorce as well as a couple good friends. My wife left after 14 months, my friend after 7 years, another after 15 years.

Personally, it was frustrating as I went to counselling per her request. I wanted to keep going as I realized personal flaws and felt I was working at fixing them but she just gave up. I guess I felt like I did the best I could do and she gave up. I know I am not perfect but I was putting my best effort to improve myself. I am just frustrated and venting.

 

[Docbp87]

Really sorry to hear that brother. 14 Months doesn't seem like a lot of time to already be calling it quits. I hope everything works out for you, and that your future is brighter. If she was so ready to just give up, then obviously she wasn't the right one for you.

 

[Cigar Cowboy]

Um - When you find the right person it will work out.

I have been married for 16 years and with her for 20. She is a wonderful person which helps.

Most important - Never go to bed mad at each other.

Forgive and Forget.

No name calling.

NEVER get physical

Respect each other and each others opinions

Go on lots of dates (with each other lol)

If you both work, share the work around the house

 

[Greyghost]

Really sorry to hear that.

Try not to beat yourself up to much but continue to talk with close friends and family to help you work though this time in your life.

So far as your questions I really don't have an answer.

I did not marry till I was 28 and have been blessed with a wounderful loving and caring women (Donna). We have been married 32 years and at times it was rough. We have communicated a lot of our issues with honesty and respect for each other when things came up and then compromised a lot.

We see it with our son and daughter in their lives. They each have 2 kids plus trying to make ends met today with homes and work. It is hard.

Take care.

 

[benday]

wow, 14 months isn't even a start...sorry to hear she's pulling out...

it takes two people to make a good marriage and sometimes it's impossible if one quits.

glad you hear your making yourself a better person though...good luck out there.

 

[Treinenwj]

Really sorry to hear that, brother. The only advice I can give is this: don't rush in to another relationship. Give yourself time to heal and get over this marriage. Reflect on the things you can change to better yourself, not on the things she should have changed.

 

[Slow Burn]

sorry to hear that aswell... i am just about to dove into my first, so i'm really not too experianced in keeping a marrage going....

 

[Cigary43]

Marriage is a partnership where you don't hide the truth and you don't pass yourself off as someone who is different until you say the words "I Do"...ensure that you are exactly the person you are...most people divorce because they hide who they really are so when things go south the other ones always asks...who are you...you were not like this before we got married. You need to see the other person at their best and at their worst before you marry. You need to see their family and who raised them so there isn't a surprise. Their family is key to seeing how they were raised and how their family acts between themselves. Wait at least a year before you get married...it's next to impossible to get as much information about them in a few months...2 years would be even better. Most people can't "act" like a total angel in that the space of a year. If you can handle them during their worse periods you'll be able to handle them when you are married.

 

[BEN(SWEDEN)]

I´m sry to hear this brother, I hope in the end you both will be happy. I´m engaged and have been with my girl for 3,5 years and engaged for 2. We will get married next year.
For me it was when I ost my job and had a hard time she showed her tru colors, gave me so much strenght and support so I could move to Norway for half a year and got on track. After that I knew she was the one and we got engaged, again last year when my father and uncle passed away she showed me she is the one!
I think it is important to get to know her and to be hounest, sometimes love is just not enough if you cant get along. So my advice to you my friend is to take it slow, make sure you and your partner want the same thing in life and always have respekt and do not use bad language or get physical.

 

[BesstR]

Sorry to hear about this brother. I myself have been married 3 times. So I am no great example of a perfect marriage. I agree with all of the advice given. My wife now Lisa we have a wonderful marriage. We went to high school together and liked each other then just at different times. We keep the lines of communications open all the time. Never go to bed angry with each other. Tell each other that we love them. We are ourselves do not be someone else be yourself. We was never engaged we was in Vegas for a concert and decided to get married. Learn to laugh and have fun. Like said before go on dates with your wife. Lisa has helped me through a lot of stuff I had going on with me. She has made me a better person. I know it is tough right now but if she was not the right person then it is for the best. I was in a marriage that I worked at but she did not. I was miserable for 3 years. Be strong my brother misses right will come along when you do not expect it.

 

[Alwayslit]

Sorry to hear this is happening. I've been married for 21 years and have found communication, listening mainly; goes a long way. Forgiveness, compromise, and caring also are very important in a relationship.

 

[Wink]

Somethings are easier said than done, the ol it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be ok. Sure time will heal all wounds some just may take a little longer than others, I dont want to be one that says it over and over again but as it goes life and how you deal with it remains the same ol cliché. One day at a time Brother, I knew for a long time now that I was the type happier when I was in a relationship more over than living the single life. They both have there perks but the fact that I had a woman at home in my corner who shared the same interest, values, goals we both wanted what was best for each other. I think love becomes a little over rated at times because its not enough. You can love someone and still have the urge to cheat or love someone and still have that eye to stray or love someone and still do somethings you shouldn't. Don't mean to go on and on but I know how hard it hurts to lose someone you love, I also know that when it comes down to "I've done all that I can do, I've researched myself flaws and all I have succumb myself to self scrutiny and did everything in my power, control to change and to make this work" Once you've done that there's nothing left she has to meet you half way Brother. It takes a real man to not be ashamed to have and express his feelings, you know how mucho we can be! When it comes to love either you do or you dont, it's some one else out there looking for Mr right time to let it go and feel appreciated else where.

 

[Psojka RP,601]

Sorry to hear bro. Im praying for ya and hopefully things arent too tough and get back to normal soon. Were all here for ya.

 

[funkejj]

My first marriage lasted 7 months and 3 days. She couldn't keep her pants on. I knew her for 3 to 4 years before getting married. My second marriage is 6+ years and knew her less than a year before getting married. The only thing I can say is everything is a give and take, you have to be equals in everything. You have to both love and trust your partner. In 6 years we have had 2 maybe 3 arguments that were more than what for dinner or what to watch on tv. Of those three arguments we worked thru them when it happened and not let them build over days. You will get through this and find another that is right for you. Just don't use your first wife as a basis to judge other women it wont bode well for you.

 

[TravelingJ]

Well, my first rule is don't get married. 2 months away from year 9 with my girl. Most of how we did it, is from the post above. For us, it's really about playing off of each other. We know when to let the other follow something they are passionate about, and then flipping it back to get our own time as well.

The only thing I can say is everything is a give and take, you have to be equals in everything. You have to both love and trust your partner. In 6 years we have had 2 maybe 3 arguments that were more than what for dinner or what to watch on tv. Of those three arguments we worked thru them when it happened and not let them build over days.

 

[coastalgriff]

I've been married 13 years now. The best advice my old man gave me was to "Pick your battles." If it's not that important let it go.

 

[jjon90]

As a 30 yr veteran of marriage it all boils down to trust, integrity, communication, spirituality and meeting each others needs. May I suggest you pick up a copy of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" Great start.

 

[Shmear]

I've been married 13 years now. The best advice my old man gave me was to "Pick your battles." If it's not that important let it go.

So true. Pick them wisely, some are not even worth fighting for, it'll make things worse. I'm not married, and don't plan to... in these years. But the main thing that has stuck with me was that very same thing: Pick your battles.

I hope everything goes well... and I hope you are able to pick yourself back up. If you just need to vent you can always PM me. I know it's not much and I know we don't actually know each other, but I'm here for ANYONE. I'll listen.

 

[The BurgerMeister]

don't know if i'm the best source for info here... but i've been with my lady for almost 2 years and been married for 2 months. before we got married, we made sure we knew each other well! we lived together for a year and had our worst arguments and fights during that time... but we couldn't deny our love for each other and fought for that love. we helped each other grow and made promises to compromise and give each other space. but mostly we knew each other well before getting married.

and, as stated... pick your battles. so many things i drop after taking a breath and realizing it's just not worth it.

the only other advice i can give was relayed to me by my friend Joe on our wedding day: "Fight Naked."

like i said, i only have a little experience here... but so far so good!

 

[bballbaby]

have seen some good advice here.

Never go to bed mad is a very goo done.

Never bring up past mistakes.

2 words are not allowed...Never and Always. They just don't apply when you think about it logically.

Go out on dates is a good one. My wife and i get one a month and we do it up like it's a first date...good food, good wine, nice clothes...trying to impress each other...

When yo leave each other for the day, usually in the morning, always leave with a kiss and a sincere i love you. if you have kids, make sure the wife gets the last kiss...the last one you five when you leave the house.