Best Man question and poll

[sarnone]

Here's how I see it going down. If you say yes, his next move is to give you a scenario where he needs a little monetary help. Like maybe his bride-to-be and him can't afford a honeymoon so could he borrow a thousand before the wedding to arrange for a getaway weekend at Niagara Falls. He'll pay you when he gets back because he is starting this great new job then. You don't hear from him for a long time and you eventually write off the grand due to poor judgement on your part.

My advice is to decline graciously, and if you do get invited to some kind of wedding, then cross that bridge when you get there.

If you are still torn, would you be able to call his folks or siblings seeing how you guys were that close when you were younger?

Good luck with this one my friend.

 

[Jwrussell]

That's a really tough call bro'. As Tom said, I think you need to talk to him some more. Find out why he wants you as his Best Man. That right there may give you alot of information (especially if it is because all of the people he would have normally asked are users and he's staying away from that crowd).

Plenty of reasons to stay away. Best to see what the reasons to go are.

Good luck with this brother.

 

[Greg]

Yep, Pharmgator has it correct.

After all, it's YOUR sobriety that is most important, not his. Being around your old friend could even be a trigger for a relapse.

Maybe even speak to HIS sponsor (if he has one), because maybe your presence at such a stressful time for him could jeopardize his sobriety as well.

You've got my number Bro if you want to talk :thumbsup:

 

[Headbanger]

Here's how I see it going down. If you say yes, his next move is to give you a scenario where he needs a little monetary help. Like maybe his bride-to-be and him can't afford a honeymoon so could he borrow a thousand before the wedding to arrange for a getaway weekend at Niagara Falls. He'll pay you when he gets back because he is starting this great new job then. You don't hear from him for a long time and you eventually write off the grand due to poor judgement on your part.

My advice is to decline graciously, and if you do get invited to some kind of wedding, then cross that bridge when you get there.

If you are still torn, would you be able to call his folks or siblings seeing how you guys were that close when you were younger?

Good luck with this one my friend.

Agreed, I am no bank and will not lend out more than I would be able to lose and not be pissed. For me that would be abut 20 bucks.

I believe I have his Mothers number, no other living kin to him and half our buddies are no longer living or in the area that I know. Good idea to call his Mom and one phone call I may just have to make. Probably been 13 years since we last spoke.

If I were just part of the wedding or was just invited to be there, I would not have a problem with that. simply to go or not go. Being offered Best Man on our first real talk in years, knowing where we came from makes the hair on back of my next stand up. That is always a MAJOR warning sign for me and one I do not take lightly and never ignore anymore.


Thanks everyone, please keep voting and replying. I am giving this a lot of thought today. He meant a lot to me and some ways still does. He is an only child and I was a big brother to him too.

 

[CWS]

I can only speak from experience. When I question in my head whether I should do some thing, the answer is always don't.

 

[matalo]

Sorry bro, but if you are clean and have doubts about this guy, stay away.

 

[carbolicsmoke]

Agree with CWS if you have reservations do not go forward until those are resolved.

 

[geoffrie]

I think you owe this guy a chance.

Go out ... lunch ... coffee whatever and sit down talk with him.

If you have spent time sitting on folding metal chairs then you should be able to see what's going on. If he's reaching out to put the touch on you or genuinely reaching out, you'll figure it out.

Twenty bucks? Damn I bet you spilled twenty bucks on a good night back then. Cheap lesson.

Your sobriety comes first. Always. But you should not deny a still suffering addict.

We keep what we have by giving it away.

 

[cf2112]

Steve,

I was best man at my high school buddies wedding, like you we were into everything. I was working in KC and ran into him we hit it off and hung out. At that time I still smoked a little weed and so did he. Long story short at the bachelor party there was a scarfaced pile of coke and I ended up staying up for a few days. That was the last time I did that and saw him until this Xmas when he came by my moms, 10 yrs later he is still using and I'm not. I declined his invitation to go out for drinks, explained I didn't do drugs anymore and have not heard from him since.

I know I can now "just say no" and have a couple times over the years but I try hard not to be in that position. Once an addict always an addict and cigars are my only addiction now and with any luck it will stay that way.

If he's off drugs do it, if not I say don't.

 

[CWS]

I think you owe this guy a chance.

Go out ... lunch ... coffee whatever and sit down talk with him.

If you have spent time sitting on folding metal chairs then you should be able to see what's going on. If he's reaching out to put the touch on you or genuinely reaching out, you'll figure it out.

Twenty bucks? Damn I bet you spilled twenty bucks on a good night back then. Cheap lesson.

Your sobriety comes first. Always. But you should not deny a still suffering addict.

We keep what we have by giving it away.

I'm sorry but there is no such thing as a suffering addict. There are addicts and recovering addicts. No grey area. I have watched too many people die around me because they just werent ready to fully commit or couldn't. I can't help them. If I give them money they will use it to buy drugs. If I give them shelter, they will steal my stuff and sell it for drugs. I only know one way that works and that is the 12 step program. No one commited to a 12 step program has ever asked me for money. No one committed to a 12 step program would get married after two months. Again, I can only talk about my experience. If it was me, I'd invite him to a meeting and put in a buck on his behalf. There is safety in the groups. If he goes, you may rekindle a friendship. If he doesnt, he's not ready.

 

[cvm4]

I gotta say no to this one brother Steve. Talk to his mom or talk to him directly if you must, but to me this has bad news written all over it, IMHO. You need to protect your health and sobriety first and foremost and then comes family. I would never be a best man to someone I haven't talked to in over a decade.

 

[geoffrie]

I'm sorry but there is no such thing as a suffering addict.

The phrase "suffering addict" actually comes from a well known 12 step program ;-)

It's in its Basic Text.

 

[geoffrie]

No one committed to a 12 step program would get married after two months.

It happens. It is not recommended.

 

[CWS]

It happens. It is not recommended.

The word I used is committed.

 

[goin' fer smoke]

I wouldn't be best man... not for any other reason than you have been out of each other's lives long enough that the significance of being best man are not there...

Go to the wedding, get re-aquainted with the guy, but keep your sobriety walls up... give him the benefit of the doubt and attend the wedding... all of us with past addictions know what it is like to have to prove ourselves... the proof is not in the amount of time you have spoent in it so much as the seriousness and dedication we are to forever remaing clean and sober... to coin an old phrase... take it one day at a time... and that's where it lies... it does not state any time frame beyond a day...

I knew after many "attempts" to get clean that I was never serious about wanting to do it (up to that point)... I KNEW the moment I WAS serious I would never drink or do drugs again...

My only addictions in life now are coffee, cigars and cats....

If I had not been given another chance I may not be here today...

Give him a chance but protect yourself... he may be serious this time... we all make mistakes, and some of us have had addiction problems.... everyone deserves another chance...

 

[Headbanger]

Much of this discussion and dialog are the feelings I have. I agree with Geoff to call and meet for coffee or something very soon before saying yes or no. I have ZERO desire to get all messed up or stoned and lose what I have. My pain threshold was broken back in early 1990 when I surrendered to my addiction. My days of geeking and looking on the carpet for my next hit are over.

At this point I will have a few serious questions for him as I call him tomorrow, even before agreeing to meet for coffee. I can read people pretty good with a clean mind and soul. I might even have a sit down for coffee this weekend with my wife beside me.

Thanks again fellas, some great advise here from all. I appreciate this brotherhood. Too be continued. I think I might even crack open my old NA book and read the 12 steps again. Especially the chapter on helping an old friend that might need help.

 

[CWS]

Good luck Steve. Have a plan.

 

[Headbanger]

Good luck Steve. Have a plan.

Will do and spoke to wife. That phone call should be made tomorrow to the groom-to-be. I might have Chuck and Geoff on speed dial as my cigar sponsors right after just to ensure I am ok.

 

[cvm4]

Good luck Steve in what you do bro

 

[geoffrie]

The word I used is committed.

I read it.