Anyone else have this problem?

[Renavatio]

Hey all. As many of you know, my wife and I just had our first baby a month ago. Well, our relationship has gone to shit in the last week or so. Let me explain:

My wife is on paid leave till 1/1/2011, so she is getting paid to stay home with the baby. I on the other hand, am working 50-60 hours a week, as a contractor. I come home from work, make dinner, before I even get a chance to shower. I then shower, and as soon as I get downstairs, I have a baby thrust at me. I usually spend the next few hours with the baby, and I am almost always the one that puts her to bed. I do not get up during the night, unless I am off from work the next day, but I feel thats appropriate, as I am the one working.

Well, my wife has grown increasingly resentful and just overall shitty towards me over the last week or two. I get the distinct feeling she thinks I am not doing enough, in regards to baby care. My feelings are I am basically working a job and a half, while she is paid to stay home. I cook every dinner, I do the food shopping, the errand running, etc. Everything I can to make it easier on my wife, yet it still does not seem like enough.

I am burning through scotch at a ridiculous rate these last few nights, and just need someone to chime in I guess. I am quickly losing my patience, and my temper.

 

[cvm4]

Man just because she had a baby doesn't mean she still can't help around the house. From what I'm reading she's taking advantage of the situation and being lazy. You're working 10+ hour days AND cooking supper :dunno: That shit don't add up to me.

 

[Boppa-Wasch]

Sounds to me like she is having an issue with postpartum(sp) depression. Very touchy issue. How close are you with some of her friends or her (gulp) mother? They may be able to suggest her discussing this with her Doctor. just my opinion.

 

[Treinenwj]

Welcome to parenthood, bro! IMO, women are hardwired to resent the father of their children. No matter how much you do, it won't be enough. Good news though, you guys are new at this. It takes time to get used to it, and find a groove that works for both of you. Eventually her expectations will get more realistic.
Also, consider that while you are at work for 50-60 hours, she's taking care of the baby, and desperately needs a break. Have you gotten a babysitter and both gone to dinner, movie, or something yet?

 

[VillageIdiot]

My wife went through a crazy period after she had our son. One day I'm not helping enough and the next I'm trying to steal all of the attention from our child. It was very frustrating. Her doctor gave her some pills (I don't know what they were) and they helped a lot (I wish she were still taking them).

 

[VillageIdiot]

Sounds to me like she is having an issue with postpartum(sp) depression. Very touchy issue. How close are you with some of her friends or her (gulp) mother? They may be able to suggest her discussing this with her Doctor. just my opinion.

Very good advice to have a friend or mother/sister bring up the subject.

 

[Renavatio]

I am very close with her parents, closer then with my own. Also, we have gone on dates while her parents watched the baby. All she did was say how bad she felt not having the baby with her.

 

[Boppa-Wasch]

I am very close with her parents, closer then with my own. Also, we have gone on dates while her parents watched the baby. All she did was say how bad she felt not having the baby with her.

Sounds like you have someone you can share your concerns with and they (mom?) may be better able to start a discussion with your wife.

 

[tedski]

Before things go off the deep end in a hurry, perhaps you both should talk these things out in front of a neutral third party. Maybe her gynecologist / obstetrician can do this or recommend someone.

 

[jmatkins]

Yep the others hit it on the head.

Also from her view; You are gone all day "getting out of the house". I am here with the baby taking care of it all day and I need a break.

The wife and I went thru this as well. Listen to a few above with good words. Or let me know if you need to vent more.

 

[dpricenator]

I want to say she is taking advantage, but realize she has little to no adult contact all day long. I would think you and the baby need together time to bond, which puts dinner on her. I also don’t see how she can’t set the baby down for a bit, or get dinner ready early, while the baby is sleeping. My guess is just a bit of Post partum depression. Her body/mind is experiencing an hormonal trainwreck right now. Best thing is to let this stuff slide for a while. Maybe get her mom to talk to her, but if she think you were talking to her mom behind her back…..well you see where that might go. My main reason for not wanting to get pregnant again, was not because I didn’t want another kid, but because my wife is certifiable during and after pregnancy. Good luck bro.

 

[stroke]

My opinion is along the lines of what dprice said. I wanna say I read somewhere that it's good to try to give the wife an hour or so to herself when you get home, i.e. take the baby off her hands and let her go outside or relax or somethin. That may give her a chance to fix dinner or something. It'll be tough, especially after working a long day, but it'll be worth it for you if it helps her out. I know in my house if my wife's happy, I'm happy! lol Also, when I get frustrated that my wife's not doing much around the house these days (38 weeks preggers) I remind myself that she's been the one carrying the baby for the past 8 1/2 months. It may seem completely lopsided sometimes, but I think if you cut her a little more slack it would turn out to be a good investment in the long run. Just my .02. Oh, and if you don't mind, go ahead and remind me of my own advice in about a month!!

Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

 

[danthebugman]

That's a rough one man. Some good suggestions been brought up already. Does she have friends that she can do stuff with? Perhaps the lack of adult interaction is contributing to/making worse some postpartum symptoms. From personal experience sometimes it can seem overwhelming when you feel you're the only one doing things (even if that isn't the case). Prayers and best wishes for you and your family.

Dan

 

[AlohaStyle]

Yep, pretty much what has been said already. I have a 2 year old daughter and know how you feel man!

My thoughts are that her emotions / postpartum depression is kicking into high gear as it happens to a lot of women. At this point you can't do anything right, you just need to keep doing what you're doing and realize things will turn around eventually. I think it would be a bad idea to discuss this with other people in order for them to bring it up to her, as she will think you are just talking behind her back given her emotional state right now.

Like Treinenwj said, her "job" is to take care of the baby and believe it, that's a tough job too and she needs a break.

I would recommend just sitting down with her and getting this off your chest. Don't be confrontational, just let her know you understand she needs her space and help with the baby but you feel you are doing all you can. If you feel she is about to lose it, maybe offer you will get up in the night one time and that gesture will go a long way. I don't feel like you need to, but just saying...

 

[Alwayslit]

I hope all works out for the both of you. The initial adjustment can be tough.

 

[mav_sd]

Playdates are as good for mom as they are for baby... depressed or not, the biggest things i could help facilitate for my wife after she had our daughters was to help her make time for herself... alone. and... to help her set up time with other moms. The adult interaction throughout the day is good, esp with friends... and it's theraputic to have real conversations with folks who might be going through similar stuff.

The idea of letting mom have some me time led to a lot of Calgon moments for my wife... long baths by candlelight to let the day soak away... amazing how much that intermission helped her mood most of the days.

Lots of other great advice. we're pulling for you... just give it some time brother...you both have a lot of new stuff to get used to!

 

[pnoguy]

A lot of good advice, and a little bad have been given here already. Stroke had it pretty much nailed, I think. Keep in mind that her mood and emotions, like yours, are largely regulated by hormone balance. Hers is completely out of whack right now, and you'll be seeing this again. Be patient. When you think you've done enough, do more. Cut way back on the scotch. Be patient. Never, ever raise your voice, even when she does. Somebody has to be the calm collected one, and that, my man, has to be you. Be patient. When the moment is right, try having a calm discussion about this with her. Wine usually helps. If the conversation starts to go south, end it calmly and let her know you can talk again at a better time. Never, ever raise your voice, even when she does. Be patient, and get accustomed to being patient and calm. When you think you're about to go nuts, remember why you married her in the first place. Take charge, but do it gently, in a way the benefits all three of you. Be patient, be calm, and cut back on the scotch. You only get one shot at raising your child, so remember that. I told you before in chat the fatherhood is the most frustrating, maddening, confusing, rewarding thing that you will ever do. Especially with a daughter. You'll see that I have repeated myself several times. I'm not senile, that was on purpose. Good luck and PM me for my phone number if you think I can be of more help. Good luck, and congrats!

 

[sonarman]

I went through the same stuff as well, my wife had postpartum too. It's rough as hell and we almost got divorced over it until some shipmates told me about their wife's having the same thing. I drank to cope and that did not help. We got some help and after a time things were fine. My kids are what keep me going some days but those first few months were hard as hell. But lay off the booze as you might be the only one with a straight head and understand it aint easy for her either even if it seems like she just lays around all day.

 

[L8A]

Mike,
Gotta tell ya man. I got 4 and the first 2 when i was really young. There is a ton o shit that changes and anytime you wanna call and vent or just talk my phone is always open!

 

[Baddevildog82]

I have a 7 month old, so I was experiencing similar things not long ago. As far as I am concerned, while she was staying home with the baby, we both had full time jobs. So, when I got home from work we were even in my eyes. I gave her the choice between cooking dinner or watching the baby during that time. My wife enjoyed taking a break from the baby and cooking dinner. After dinner, one of us did the dishes while the other got the baby bathed and ready for bed and we tried to get the baby to bed at a decent time. We then took some time for each other. Sat and watched TV, talked about our days, played cards, etc. It was important for us to communicate and to spend time together whenever possible. Every ones situation is different, but I hope some of the ideas in this thread help.

The good news is this will pass.