Let's Talk, BOTL and mental health

[bdc30]

Even if it's not the absolute ideal situration, it's good to see some progress brother. As you say, beats fighting over it in the courts. Only ones who win there are the lawyers.

 

[HillbillyPyro]

Even if it's not the absolute ideal situration, it's good to see some progress brother. As you say, beats fighting over it in the courts. Only ones who win there are the lawyers.

Exactly! I told her in the beginning we could go to the courthouse instead and do it it that way and it would be stupid cheap. She told me to lawyer up cause she already had one so i did. I told her exactly how everything was going to go and what the courts would do and what support will be and so far everything is exact. But she's never listened to me before.
The only thing she ever had was the 13 grand in debt she had that i paid off in the first 6 months we were married. Been paycheck to paycheck every since. She will never be able to support her self. And the way she's leaving me i may not be able to keep myself here.

 

[mwlabel]

Bumping this thread because I could use some sage advice.

Yesterday afternoon, my ex moved out - something I knew was coming. In general it's hard, but I have a fairly good idea how to deal with a good portion of it. However, there's one part I really need help with: How do you combat silence? Actually, it's not even silence, because I can turn on the TV or hear my neighbors or whatever. It's the lack of "right/correct" sounds.

While I'm "home" (it's not really my home anymore), I'm not hearing the sounds that I've grown used to over the past few years. I don't hear the bathroom fan running, or sounds of cooking, or the dishes being done. When I'm watching netflix, I don't hear somebody next to me fiddling with the throw blanket, or softly munching on a snack. It is uncanny. I don't know how to fight it, if there even is a way.

I won't be spending as much time in my apartment; at least, I will be trying not to. But, for the time I AM here... the lack of familiar sounds is really getting in my head, above everything else.

Anybody experience something like this before? Were you able to do anything about it?

 

[Kantucky]

I haven't brother but I would do two things. Get outta the apartment as much as you can. And the. Get outta the apartment for good and get a different one if that's an option. When something that big in life changes- sometimes it's best to just shake the whole thing up and make a "new start" if that makes sense.

Has worked for me in the past for different things other than love life.

Hope it works out to be a huge positive for you however it ends up.

 

[cgraunke]

I won't be spending as much time in my apartment

^^^ I think this part is key. Going out. Occupying your mind with other things. Only using the home as a place to bed down for a while. I know it doesn't directly answer your question, but for that I've got nothing. I'm weird, but I actually relish the solitude. I love my wife more than anything, but I really enjoy my alone time. I feel like I can be so much more productive when I only have to worry about myself.
Maybe pick up a new hobby (or revive one that has lapsed) so your mind is so engaged with the new experience that you don't notice the things you're missing. The TV is somewhat of an escape but it's not engaging. Something where you learn, something where you have to think, that might be key.

 

[Tyler]

Bumping this thread because I could use some sage advice.

Yesterday afternoon, my ex moved out - something I knew was coming. In general it's hard, but I have a fairly good idea how to deal with a good portion of it. However, there's one part I really need help with: How do you combat silence? Actually, it's not even silence, because I can turn on the TV or hear my neighbors or whatever. It's the lack of "right/correct" sounds.

While I'm "home" (it's not really my home anymore), I'm not hearing the sounds that I've grown used to over the past few years. I don't hear the bathroom fan running, or sounds of cooking, or the dishes being done. When I'm watching netflix, I don't hear somebody next to me fiddling with the throw blanket, or softly munching on a snack. It is uncanny. I don't know how to fight it, if there even is a way.

I won't be spending as much time in my apartment; at least, I will be trying not to. But, for the time I AM here... the lack of familiar sounds is really getting in my head, above everything else.

Anybody experience something like this before? Were you able to do anything about it?

I haven't brother but I would do two things. Get outta the apartment as much as you can. And the. Get outta the apartment for good and get a different one if that's an option. When something that big in life changes- sometimes it's best to just shake the whole thing up and make a "new start" if that makes sense.

Has worked for me in the past for different things other than love life.

Hope it works out to be a huge positive for you however it ends up.

This is very sound advice. Sometimes starting over in a new place helps ease the feeling. Keep your head up and try not to get discouraged. I'm sure you're destined for bigger and better things.

 

[mwlabel]

^^^ I think this part is key. Going out. Occupying your mind with other things. Only using the home as a place to bed down for a while.

I will certainly be doing this to the best of my capabilities. I won't be here a lot, but two constraints force me to be here more than I'd like.

Get outta the apartment for good and get a different one if that's an option.

I think, in most cases, this would be the ideal solution. Sadly, I am firmly locked into this lease - so that's not an option for me.

Thanks for the good thoughts and kind words, guys.

 

[partriar]

I'm currently going through a similar thing, I find friends help the most. Even if its for some harmless banter. Trash talking bout football or char bout cigars or whatever you do with your friends. It helped me a lot not feel so lonely.

 

[rdomfoto]

Bumping this thread because I could use some sage advice...

<SNIP>

Anybody experience something like this before? Were you able to do anything about it?

I sure did. The night my ex moved out (wasn't my ex at the time) - I remember it well.

First, for those keeping score, I've been twice divorced. The first time I was 23 when we married and she was 22. Way too young but we didn't know that at the time. The second time was the bat-shit crazy BPD one. That's the one with the fun and interesting stories!

Anyway, when my first wife and I split, another couple who were good friends of ours helped out. He helped her move and his wife took me out for dinner. It seemed like a small gesture at the time but it was huge and, 20+ years later, I still see at as a remarkable act of kindness.

Anyway, afterward I still had to go home to an empty apartment. Our cat was there and he provided a lot of solice but, you're right: there's a silence. Or, better yet, a lack of familiar noises. I think I fell asleep out of sheer mental and emotional exhaustion but, if not for that, I would have stayed awake all night. It too a while to get used to it and I found myself just going for walks or going to a bar to watch a football or baseball game.

There's no "prescription" on what to do other than keep yourself busy. A lot of us can tell you that there is life - and good life - after this but those are just empty words to hear. Until you experience things getting better, you'll doubt that they will. That's normal.

Hang in there, brother. There's plenty of us who have been there that can talk to you about it and I am one of them.

Rob

 

[H3rrington]

Bumping this thread because I could use some sage advice.

Yesterday afternoon, my ex moved out - something I knew was coming. In general it's hard, but I have a fairly good idea how to deal with a good portion of it. However, there's one part I really need help with: How do you combat silence? Actually, it's not even silence, because I can turn on the TV or hear my neighbors or whatever. It's the lack of "right/correct" sounds.

While I'm "home" (it's not really my home anymore), I'm not hearing the sounds that I've grown used to over the past few years. I don't hear the bathroom fan running, or sounds of cooking, or the dishes being done. When I'm watching netflix, I don't hear somebody next to me fiddling with the throw blanket, or softly munching on a snack. It is uncanny. I don't know how to fight it, if there even is a way.

I won't be spending as much time in my apartment; at least, I will be trying not to. But, for the time I AM here... the lack of familiar sounds is really getting in my head, above everything else.

Anybody experience something like this before? Were you able to do anything about it?

I think military spouses. should be able to chime in on this.

I think I can relate to what you're feeling. Everytime my wife has deployed or I have we have gone through this.

The "silence" is maddening.

I have always had a buddy move in for the six months since I simple couldn't handle it. And then at month five we would do a massive deep clean of the house. Help him move out. And get the house back to normal like no one was ever here.

I know that might not help much. But you're not alone in these feelings. And if you ever need to talk I'd happily provide you my number.

 

[javajunkie]

alex, h3rrington has a damn decent idea going there; you can't get OUT, you got anyone who could roll in? tap a buddy, see if he could roll through for a bit. it might make the world of difference to you.

 

[smokinghole]

I too dealt with this. I started hanging at the cigar shop a lot more and seeking friends. I drive a good bit to work and don't have a lot of free time after or before depending on the shift. So during the week id get some beer in me and some food then hit the sack. Weekends were spent with close friends, cigar shop, and hanging out with family. It takes a while. I had a wife and two loud ass high strung weimaraners in my house. Now all I can hear when I am home alone is the compressor in my beer fridge rattling from time to time. My oldest brother has since moved in, but we don't have much in common. Its basically a situation of convenience until he and the wife buy a house again here in PA and family can then move up around may sometime. This helps but its still strange because its not like my brother and I are close.

 

[HillbillyPyro]

Yeah i am going through the same thing man. I haven't noticed the quiet to much yet. My ex just moved out Friday night and got most of the rest of her stuff Saturday and some Sunday morning. The house is clean and empty. I've kept busy all weekend mostly cleaning and smoking cigars with friends. Sleeping alone sucks though.

 

[jmartins]

Bumping this thread because I could use some sage advice.

Yesterday afternoon, my ex moved out - something I knew was coming. In general it's hard, but I have a fairly good idea how to deal with a good portion of it. However, there's one part I really need help with: How do you combat silence? Actually, it's not even silence, because I can turn on the TV or hear my neighbors or whatever. It's the lack of "right/correct" sounds.

While I'm "home" (it's not really my home anymore), I'm not hearing the sounds that I've grown used to over the past few years. I don't hear the bathroom fan running, or sounds of cooking, or the dishes being done. When I'm watching netflix, I don't hear somebody next to me fiddling with the throw blanket, or softly munching on a snack. It is uncanny. I don't know how to fight it, if there even is a way.

I won't be spending as much time in my apartment; at least, I will be trying not to. But, for the time I AM here... the lack of familiar sounds is really getting in my head, above everything else.

Anybody experience something like this before? Were you able to do anything about it?

Alex I went through something very similar. I can give you a huge piece of advice for counteracting that feeling. "Change Everything" paint the walls, move all the furniture around, rearrange where everything is. Clean out areas that are overdue. This will engage you to know end and will give you a much fresher start then you would ever believe possible trust me on this one.

JM

 

[bdc30]

Always love seeing this thread in full swing - although this post made me chuckle a bit

Yeah i am going through the same thing man. I haven't noticed the quiet to much yet.

On one hand we have mwlabel who's missing the noise of another predictable human being around the palace - on the other hand we have hillbillypyro who (in my imagination anyway) is finally free from all those same sounds, each of which have been irritating the absolute shit out of him for as long as he can remember and is enjoying every single second of the peace and quiet (until he crawls in to bed)... eckkiss:

Anyway..keep up the good work fellas

 

[3/5King]

Bumping this thread because I could use some sage advice.

Yesterday afternoon, my ex moved out - something I knew was coming. In general it's hard, but I have a fairly good idea how to deal with a good portion of it. However, there's one part I really need help with: How do you combat silence? Actually, it's not even silence, because I can turn on the TV or hear my neighbors or whatever. It's the lack of "right/correct" sounds.

While I'm "home" (it's not really my home anymore), I'm not hearing the sounds that I've grown used to over the past few years. I don't hear the bathroom fan running, or sounds of cooking, or the dishes being done. When I'm watching netflix, I don't hear somebody next to me fiddling with the throw blanket, or softly munching on a snack. It is uncanny. I don't know how to fight it, if there even is a way.

I won't be spending as much time in my apartment; at least, I will be trying not to. But, for the time I AM here... the lack of familiar sounds is really getting in my head, above everything else.

Anybody experience something like this before? Were you able to do anything about it?

Alex I went through something very similar. I can give you a huge piece of advice for counteracting that feeling. "Change Everything" paint the walls, move all the furniture around, rearrange where everything is. Clean out areas that are overdue. This will engage you to know end and will give you a much fresher start then you would ever believe possible trust me on this one.

JM

^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^

First I would like to introduce myself because I'm new here and don't know any of you. My name's David (31)and I'm an alcoholic/addict. I've been an addict my whole life. If I like it, I'll overdo it...most times with some form of bad consequences. I've been an alcoholic since my early 20's admitted it's 24 (and used it as an excuse) and finally got sober January 4, 2011. It took two DUI's, the revocation of my license and a whole trail of mess to get there...I wouldn't change a thing. As long as you get real with yourself and get sober it doesn't matter how you get there. I'm rebuilding my life slowly...I still have a ton of personal issues that continue to slow progress but there is PROGRESS. Slow and steady wins the race.

I've went through a divorce (my first love, and the first deep hatred for a women lol) met her when I was 21, married at 23 and divorced at 27. Life is good...the end felt like my life was over and HOW COULD I GO ON....then comes the new beginning and it is oh so sweet. Don't ever think that it won't get better because it always will, we are just built that way. We survive, we're strong, we were given the will to live....but it's up to the individual as to how long this journey to enlightenment will take. It took me about 6 months.

Anyways, I just wanted to give a small blip into my delirium and let you all know that I've been through it. If any of you are broke down in the middle of hell and back, and you need a lift, let me know. I've always "Got the car runnin"

Thank you for starting this thread..it's already done wonderful things as I've read. You are all awesome and I look forward to the brotherhood.

Favorite quote from this thread (not verbatim) "I did the bicycle legs and got her to poop. Yeah Brotherhood!" You just can't make this shit up.

 

[bdc30]

Seems like several threads lately about brothers celebrating sobriety which is a great thing. As always I'm blown away at how open people allow themselves to be on this board, and how these types of things NEVER end up in personal attacks or back and forth bickering.

Not sure what your guys' thoughts are on this, but was thinking it might be nice to have a small subforum for these posts somewhere outside the general off topic forum. Something like 'BOTL Cares' maybe? Anyway, if it gets enough support I'll throw up a thread in the botl.org discussion section and run it past Eric.

Keep supporting each other guys. Be well.

 

[zama80]

Seems like several threads lately about brothers celebrating sobriety which is a great thing. As always I'm blown away at how open people allow themselves to be on this board, and how these types of things NEVER end up in personal attacks or back and forth bickering.

Not sure what your guys' thoughts are on this, but was thinking it might be nice to have a small subforum for these posts somewhere outside the general off topic forum. Something like 'BOTL Cares' maybe? Anyway, if it gets enough support I'll throw up a thread in the botl.org discussion section and run it past Eric.

Keep supporting each other guys. Be well.

I think that is a great idea Brent.

 

[stukibuilt]

Seems like several threads lately about brothers celebrating sobriety which is a great thing. As always I'm blown away at how open people allow themselves to be on this board, and how these types of things NEVER end up in personal attacks or back and forth bickering.

Not sure what your guys' thoughts are on this, but was thinking it might be nice to have a small subforum for these posts somewhere outside the general off topic forum. Something like 'BOTL Cares' maybe? Anyway, if it gets enough support I'll throw up a thread in the botl.org discussion section and run it past Eric.

Keep supporting each other guys. Be well.

Great idea!

 

[Kantucky]

I think it's a good idea too