Question for y'all

[rfraser]

Well I agree with stogie ninja. And every family is different. But one thought is that if he is going to smoke cigars no matter what, you can steer him away from dog turds and expose him the wonderful world of real cigars. And again, not sure what your relationship is with your son, but this could be a great bonding experience. My Dad and I always had hunting to bond with and he and I have always gotten along and talk like friend now (I'm 35 now), but I still look to him as a mentor because of the way he taught me. He was strict but yet let me be my own person. Good luck brother

 

[MountainDog]

However you decide to handle it, I just want to offer a suggestion on how you might approach the conversation in the spirit of not pushing him away at an age where life can seem tough. Now I don't have kids yet, but I have had a very strong relationship with my father since I was your son's age. I know that my relationship is only as good as it is because of open communication with him.

Plenty of times parents talk AT their kids instead of talking WITH them. You might consider starting by asking your son what and why and letting him tell you what's going on before jumping into whatever you decide to tell him. It's probably as simple as him trying to fit in, but he'll feel like you heard his side first. If your son is like most of us, there's going to be some point(s) in his life where he'll be in the shit and he's going to need someone to talk to. You want that person to be you. Also, I'm not saying that you have to be his best friend and can't be a stern parent - just that from my experience, it goes a long way if he feels like he can talk with you about something like this.

I don't mean to presume anything about you, your son, or your relationship, and I'm not trying to suggest that your son doesn't think he can talk to you. I just wanted to offer one perspective as someone who's had plenty of hard discussions with his dad.

 

[Madcox]

I don't know... I don't have kids, so it's not really something I can fairly comment on. I can just guess/think from what I feel on the matter from a teacher's perspective, and knowing children like I do. I kind of think that 15-16 is too young for someone to make that decision. Certainly, many will make their own choices anyhow, but I think to let them freely do it (or encourage him) like it seems some might (and some are encouraging in the thread), is quite contrary to how I would handle it. Cigars are a great thing, and maybe since I'm only late to the party (I've only really picked it up as a hobby in the last two years, with having never really smoked prior) my concepts are different. The concept that he's sneaking around it, and doing it with friends would lead me to do what you did and have a serious conversation about it.

I understand that they'll do what they want anyhow, and that you can't watch them 24/7, but I guess I've always been mindful of the "you can make those type of decisions when you're an adult and start paying your way" more so than encouraging it. It's not saying I didn't sneak a beer, stay out late, go somewhere I wasn't supposed to be to see some chick, or whatever, but for the most part, my parents tried to push the decisions like alcohol, tobacco, sex and drugs are things you aren't old enough to make until you're out of the house. It's a twister, but I think I would stick with the, "I'm old enough to make these types of choices, and when you show me you're also at that stage, we can talk about it". But I don't think I would ever want it being a nightly, weekly, or frequent habit that a kid of mine smoked. At least not while they lived in my home. I guess a mature kid, I could see the side of letting them have one on a 'special occasion with dad', and as they turn 18, letting them into the fun in a larger basis. I just don't know that kids really comprehend the complexity of the choice, and have the respect for it that they should. It's not evil, and it's not a bad thing, but at the same time, like all good things, moderation is a practice I would want to encourage.

Good luck with it man, and I don't envy the conversations and tip toeing of a wife with it either. I can imagine what my mom would have done if she thought my dad got me hooked on things she didn't approve of.

Awesome input Brother! I agree and I've told my sons that I don't condone them smoking while they are young however when they are grown and move out then I think it would be great to have father and son time smoking a nice cigar! Thanx Again Bro

 

[Madcox]

Well I agree with stogie ninja. And every family is different. But one thought is that if he is going to smoke cigars no matter what, you can steer him away from dog turds and expose him the wonderful world of real cigars. And again, not sure what your relationship is with your son, but this could be a great bonding experience. My Dad and I always had hunting to bond with and he and I have always gotten along and talk like friend now (I'm 35 now), but I still look to him as a mentor because of the way he taught me. He was strict but yet let me be my own person. Good luck brother

Amen Bro! My dad and I have always been close and I cherish the times that I go to his house now and smoke with him and shoot the breeze!

 

[Madcox]

However you decide to handle it, I just want to offer a suggestion on how you might approach the conversation in the spirit of not pushing him away at an age where life can seem tough. Now I don't have kids yet, but I have had a very strong relationship with my father since I was your son's age. I know that my relationship is only as good as it is because of open communication with him.

Plenty of times parents talk AT their kids instead of talking WITH them. You might consider starting by asking your son what and why and letting him tell you what's going on before jumping into whatever you decide to tell him. It's probably as simple as him trying to fit in, but he'll feel like you heard his side first. If your son is like most of us, there's going to be some point(s) in his life where he'll be in the shit and he's going to need someone to talk to. You want that person to be you. Also, I'm not saying that you have to be his best friend and can't be a stern parent - just that from my experience, it goes a long way if he feels like he can talk with you about something like this.

I don't mean to presume anything about you, your son, or your relationship, and I'm not trying to suggest that your son doesn't think he can talk to you. I just wanted to offer one perspective as someone who's had plenty of hard discussions with his dad.

Very Good Advice Mountain Dog! I've been blessed with some really good kids. Even though he didn't come out and talk to me about the cigars, he has came and talked to me about other stuff and I was very proud of him for doing so. I am very proud of my kids and I always make it a point to tell them that cuz that's very important to kids! Thanx Brother!

 

[mistaforty]

You touched on it a few post
Back but before you can choose a course of action it's important to understand why he does it. You know him better than us and from what I've read sounds like a combo of looking up to you and it's ok to do just to hang out since it's not drugs or anything illegal. In a weird way I've headed it off at the pass and not even intentionally but my son is looking forward to his first cigar with me when he graduates high school. A monte #2 that I've already purchased and he grads in two years. I don't think he will smoke otherwise but I know he's looking forward to that. If you give him a good smoke and that doesn't change it, then it's just to fit in cuz the other kids may not think his padron is cool

 

[Madcox]

You touched on it a few post
Back but before you can choose a course of action it's important to understand why he does it. You know him better than us and from what I've read sounds like a combo of looking up to you and it's ok to do just to hang out since it's not drugs or anything illegal. In a weird way I've headed it off at the pass and not even intentionally but my son is looking forward to his first cigar with me when he graduates high school. A monte #2 that I've already purchased and he grads in two years. I don't think he will smoke otherwise but I know he's looking forward to that. If you give him a good smoke and that doesn't change it, then it's just to fit in cuz the other kids may not think his padron is cool

Hahaha! Of course the Padron is cool! Maybe not as cool as the Monte #2!!! That's a great idea I may enjoy a victory smoke with my boys when they graduate! Maybe by then I will have a few Monte #2's since they did win the smoke of the year last year! Great advice Brother!

 

[heavyd]

You touched on it a few post
Back but before you can choose a course of action it's important to understand why he does it. You know him better than us and from what I've read sounds like a combo of looking up to you and it's ok to do just to hang out since it's not drugs or anything illegal. In a weird way I've headed it off at the pass and not even intentionally but my son is looking forward to his first cigar with me when he graduates high school. A monte #2 that I've already purchased and he grads in two years. I don't think he will smoke otherwise but I know he's looking forward to that. If you give him a good smoke and that doesn't change it, then it's just to fit in cuz the other kids may not think his padron is cool

Great post, man. Sounds like your house is in order. I bet you are looking forward to that Monty as much as he is

 

[Cigary43]

It's a complex question with a complex answer. A lot of it depends on what kind of kid he is. If he's a rebel, he's going to do what he's going to do, steering him towards better quality and teaching use in moderation might be the most beneficial. Alternately, he might just need some good stern parenting and instruction. It all depends. Either way, there should be a conversation about substance abuse, as well as the difference between "using" nicotine, and the enjoyment of a fine cigar once a week.

What kind of marriage you have, how you two communicate, and his relationship with your wife will also have some bearing on your decision on how to proceed. Is she likely to support whatever decision you make, or is she likely to be against you encouraging any kind of smoking at all? The last thing a kid who is rebelling needs is divided parents, but if he's a good kid then teaching him moderation is really a valuable thing... if your wife supports it. If he's a rebellious kid, you and your wife need to be 100% unified.

Again, lots of options depending your your family situation, but I would talk it over with your wife. Come to a mutual agreement and present it to your kid.

Personally I'd explain to my wife my desire to teach my son how to enjoy life's pleasures properly, within bounds, and using self control, and then together with your wife (i don't mean it needs to be a "family meeting" or anything, just that you two should be in agreement) let your son know you are willing to let him enjoy the finer things in life, provided he does them only with you, and only in a responsible way and that there will be consequences for violating those rules. If done properly you could not only help teach your kid some valuable life lessons, but also gain a new avenue to build relationship with him.

Couldn't have said it better...very well stated and thought provoking as some things in life should not be rushed into by those who are not of age. Just because there are great wines and scotches, gins, vodka and so on doesn't mean we have a meeting to discuss which brands are the best. There is such a thing as wisdom...when it's ok to imbibe in such things or when it's proper to have our children engage in things that are safe. Kids are already pushed into things by their peer groups to engage in activities far beyond their years and when you consider the human brain isn't ready to make mature judgements until the age of 25 we can already see problematic instances of kids takikng on responsibilities they aren't ready for. 16 is too young....21 is at least 5 more years for them to develop the proper attitude and understanding of what they are getting into. When you're 16 years old one of their biggets problems is how to deal with pimples and how to curb that drive to get their GF's into bed....smoking cigars shouldn't be added to an already growing list of Things Not To Do.