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Seinfeld Quotes

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“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.” Jerry
 

icehog3

Outlaw Hockey Biker
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DWavs said:
"You're going to be the first pirate!"
- Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"But I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!"



"So I'm wrestling the guy with this arm, and driving the bus with the other"

"You're Batman!!!"

"I am Batman...then I kicked the guy out the door at the next stop"

"You kept making the stops???"

"Well, they kept ringing the bell!!"
 

thebigo

I'm a Carnie
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Elaine Benis
The Sponge girl that believes in abortion, and who dates an ever changing cast of boyfriends.

a description from a site...haha...The SPONGE girl
 

caudio51

BoM Nov '05; Mar '06
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"After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky-toe."
"That's unbelievable!"
"Yeah, then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So, I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital."
"You ran?"
"No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here buddy. Step on it!'"
"Holy cow!"
"Yeah yeah, then all of a sudden this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay's gonna cost her her pinky-toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I says, 'Well, I got a little prize for you, buddy.' Pwaa! Pwaa! Keeyah! Knocked him out cold!"
"How could you do that?"
"Yeah, then everybody is screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"
"You're Batman."
"Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop."
"You kept making all the stops?"
"Well, people kept ringing the bell!"
"What about the toe? What happened to the toe?"
"Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line."
"You did all this for a pinky-toe?"
"Well, it's a valuable appendage."
 

caudio51

BoM Nov '05; Mar '06
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I know bigo, I was responding to sigguys post.

[Setting: Gas station]

(Kramer pulls the car into a gas station and gets out)

KRAMER: Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? I’ll get us a couple of Twix bars.

RICK: No, no coconut for me.

KRAMER: Alright, I’ll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep the engine running.

(Rick sits back in the car a second, then hurriedly jumps out and reaches for the gas pump. Kramer pops up from behind the pump and scares him)

RICK: Ahh!

KRAMER: No, man! Not the gas!

RICK: But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad!

KRAMER: Do you think that this’ll make you happy? ‘Cause it won’t!

RICK: (Walking away) Ah, you can just go on without me.

(Kramer grabs him by the collar)

KRAMER: Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, "Kramer and that

other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!"
 

caudio51

BoM Nov '05; Mar '06
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One of my favorite epsidoes is on right now, The Pez Dispenser

Jerry's Apartment

George: ...pianist. A *classical* pianist. She *plays* the piano. She's a

*brilliant* woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the

*Waldstein Sonata*! The *Waldstein*!

George: We did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun

I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*!

Y'know?

Jerry enters

Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.

George: I was telling you about Noel.

Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...

George: [sarcastically] Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...

Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. What about her?

George: What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?

Jerry: I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.

George: No everything is *not* going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have

no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in

my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at

all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand...

George: How do I get the hand?

Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the

hand right from the opening.

George: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...

Jerry: Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...

George: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll

see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself.

Maybe I can get some hand that way.
 
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