Let's Talk, BOTL and mental health
- Thread starter bdc30
- Start date
Just a little bump in here for some noobs that may not know this exists.
And a little rant for my own sanity.
Haven't had issues with ex regarding my son for a while. We had decided that with him being 11 he is old enough to start making some decisions about which house to be at for weekends and holidays using guidelines to make sure it wasn't one sided.
For Halloween this year (my holiday this time around) he decided at the last minute to stay at his moms to go to a school event and have a sleep over. I didn't fight it and told him it was his choice and I respect it.
He told his mom on his own that he wanted to be with us for Thanksgiving since his grandmother would be visiting from CA. She didn't argue and everything was fine.
Christmas this year went as scheduled us on the night before and his mom the day of.
New Years falls to her and he told her he wanted to stay here. We have nothing planned and I have to work so its not anything special. His mother agreed and said he would go back on Saturday before school starts on Momday.
Out of the blue today she calls up and asks him what he is doing for New Years to which he replies that he is staying here. His mom then gets irritated and says its her holiday and she will have to think about it. Then hangs up.
Her and I exchange a few texts about the subject of us letting him make the choice. Just now she calls and lays into me about him only being 11 and that he should not be able to make these choices. But since he would just make everyone miserable at her house he can stay here. Then tells him the same thing and that she will not be letting him choose in the future.
State law here says that at age 11 the child is old enough to have input as to where they want to live. But some how he is too young to decide on a place for this holiday or that weekend. Keep in mind he is a straight A student that does not get into trouble very often.
Anyway. Sorry for the rant but sometimes you just gotta get things out.
And a little rant for my own sanity.
Haven't had issues with ex regarding my son for a while. We had decided that with him being 11 he is old enough to start making some decisions about which house to be at for weekends and holidays using guidelines to make sure it wasn't one sided.
For Halloween this year (my holiday this time around) he decided at the last minute to stay at his moms to go to a school event and have a sleep over. I didn't fight it and told him it was his choice and I respect it.
He told his mom on his own that he wanted to be with us for Thanksgiving since his grandmother would be visiting from CA. She didn't argue and everything was fine.
Christmas this year went as scheduled us on the night before and his mom the day of.
New Years falls to her and he told her he wanted to stay here. We have nothing planned and I have to work so its not anything special. His mother agreed and said he would go back on Saturday before school starts on Momday.
Out of the blue today she calls up and asks him what he is doing for New Years to which he replies that he is staying here. His mom then gets irritated and says its her holiday and she will have to think about it. Then hangs up.
Her and I exchange a few texts about the subject of us letting him make the choice. Just now she calls and lays into me about him only being 11 and that he should not be able to make these choices. But since he would just make everyone miserable at her house he can stay here. Then tells him the same thing and that she will not be letting him choose in the future.
State law here says that at age 11 the child is old enough to have input as to where they want to live. But some how he is too young to decide on a place for this holiday or that weekend. Keep in mind he is a straight A student that does not get into trouble very often.
Anyway. Sorry for the rant but sometimes you just gotta get things out.
bdc30
BoM May '11
It's a tough spot. My wife and I bounce back and forth with that issue as well, she has two daughters from her first marriage who are 13/15 now. Sometimes it's just not worth the fight in order to keep the peace with the ex.
In my opinion she is burning her own bridge. Eli sees this and gets more upset with her every time she pulls this crap.
I remember this thread....it's still on my favorites....I still struggle with a lot. It'll be interesting to look back at my old posts here and compare notes and let you all know how shits going now.
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bdc30
BoM May '11
Yeah, it's nice for sure when the kids get old enough to understand what's going on and see the other parent for what they are.
He knows the story of why his mother and I are not together. It was scary when he asked. And after I explained his mothers infidelity I made sure to explain when he said he was mad at her for it, that there is no point being angry with something that happened 9 uears ago. I am remarried to a woman that treats him as her own and he loves. His mother has moved on and is now remarried. I didn't want to leave him with the anger that I felt years ago. Its not worth it. He understood and said he is actually glad things worked out the way they did. He is glad I am happy again.
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- Feb 4, 2015
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- 2,863
State law here in MO is a horrible joke. The first time I went back to the judge in my custody war, he ruled that his own court order was not legally enforceable and that I was SOL in my attempt to enforce my "court ordered" time with my daughter.State law is what it is. Maybe ask her to take it up with the judge?
Good bump brother!
I could go on about this for a very long time. Instead, I'll just say this:
Fuck the courts.
That's really tough. I can only speak from the point of view of the child in this scenario, because it was my childhood.
My folks split up when I was very young, I have no memories of them ever being together. Right about the time I was your son's age I made the decision that I was no longer going to go by "Who's Weekend" it was.
It frustrated both my parents, but I have to say, giving your son the ability to make that decision himself is something that will really empower him in the future when it comes to making decisions, weighing options, and looking at things from a logical; rather than, emotional perspective.
I hope your ex takes a few moments to really think about what repercussions her actions will have if she resists your son's wishes. He WILL push away from her if she tries to control him, it's the way kids react to something after being told one thing and then having the opposite occur.
Best of luck to you and your family.
Great perspective @Cigar Jedi
squaresoft
It's dangerous to go alone, take this.
Cool idea for a thread. As a past sufferer of crippling anxiety I know the feeling of hopelesness and frustration these things cause. As I said though this is past tense for me so if anyone needs to talk I'm more then willing to lend an ear. Honestly its been years and even now I still have days where I can't function normally and I have to just sit home and center myself so I know the struggle is real.
My daughter turned 6 in August. Her mother and I separated before she was born....thank god.
We have kept it very civil for the most part without blowout (to often) without a judge...maybe that'll change down the road, hopefully not. I like the idea having my kid think for herself with out manipulation or resentment between parents. I don't see her nearly as often as I'd I Ike but I know she will find me on her own in the future. I get her about 3 times a year if I'm lucky, working on changing that. And it'll happen. Positive thoughts and ideas, right? I'm looking forward to my kid being 11, but not to fast.....biggest thing I've learned....the ex always knows how to push the button, either she makes the kid push it , or the new husband, or she does it.....she knows how......remove the button.
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in the same breath i am so relieved that i don't have children and also in the same breath i wish i had children, i went through this with my mother and father and to be a man and be totally helpless and bashed for not being a good dad and at the same time being limited as to how much of a dad i can be. i prayed so hard when i was probly 11-19 please lord never let me have children my dad did everything he could to be a good dad did a good job till i was about 14 and then just gave up because of all the money he had to pay to the court and how hard my mother made it be to be a father so many men just get tired of fighting and i can understand why. i have a good buddy that has been to court three diff times and has only been divorced three years he has been in forclouser three times this year and they have shut his utilites off numerous times, dude was washing his clothes in the bath tub as he took a shower so i bought him a washer this was earlier in the year, his ex has filed false reports with department of child services made false claims of physical abuse at the hands of him. sometimes you just have to give up. i am not mad at my father for giving up he did the best he could sometimes it just gets to be too much when everytime you go to try to see your kids you almost go to jail it's just time to hang it up
Found this post from page 5....it's been a minute.
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squaresoft
It's dangerous to go alone, take this.
Men get such a fucking shaft in child custody situation s during divorces. Some times it must be warranted but many times it's just infuriating to see the situation they're put in I dunno