Let's Talk, BOTL and mental health

[3/5King]

Struggling over here fellas. The wife and I are headed for divorce. It's a civil situation between her and I, but my heart is hurting to see my family split up. She wants it, i don't. We haven't told the boys yet. I don't know what else to say.........

I've been through divorce and even though I wasn't happy with her, it still hurt for a bit. We didn't have kids but my close friend went through your same situation a little over a year ago and he was really tore up (he has two boys 6 and 8 and a girl, 12) he is doing well now and everyone has adjusted.. His kids are happy and he has healed for the most part. I hope this gives you a little reassurance as there is light after the dark. I am Truely sorry this is going on but you and your boys will be alright once the smoke clears. Just give them your love and don't be too hard on yourself Jon. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[bdc30]

We're all here for you Jon. Thats exactly the point of this thread. I appreciate you posting and please feel free to contact me if there's anything we can do to help or you just need to get stuff off your chest.

 

[mdwest]

Struggling over here fellas. The wife and I are headed for divorce. It's a civil situation between her and I, but my heart is hurting to see my family split up. She wants it, i don't. We haven't told the boys yet. I don't know what else to say.........

nothing easy about a divorce.. especially with kids involved.. even if you are the person asking for it....

if you are the party not wanting it.. its even harder..

that said.. there are plenty of us that have (unfortunately) been down this path.. lots of guys to lean on here, ask questions of, get advice from, etc.. REACH OUT..


#1 piece of advice I can give you is this....

STAY BUSY!!!!!!! An idle mind is a terrible thing when you have a major, long duration stressor at hand.. youll focus on the divorce, and find it harder and harder to actually be effective at anything else..

The more active you are, the easier things will be (wont be easy.. but I promise.. it will be easier)....

Start going to the gym (if youre not already.. if you are already.. go more.. work out harder, longer, more vigorously).. exercise is a great stress reducer.. and it will give you somewhere to be, something to do, etc.. rather than sitting on the couch feeling sorry for yourself or trying to figure out what you did or didnt do wrong, etc.. get involved in group activities of some sort.. you need to be around people.. go to church, join a local club of some sort, pick up a new hobby, whatever.. just find a couple of things that take some time, that you find interesting, that involve other people (dont decide to do more reading, or surf the internet more, etc.. you dont need activities that keep you in isolation.. you need positive human interaction that keeps your mind engaged on something other than your divorce)..

Lizella is about 3 1/2 hours from Knoxville.. if all else fails.. get in the car and drive.. we'll go grab a burger (no beer.. alcohol is a depressant.. the worst thing in the world you can do is give yourself a downer, when you are already down)... smoke a couple of cigars.. and bullshit about the weather for a weekend..

 

[EO80]

Struggling over here fellas. The wife and I are headed for divorce. It's a civil situation between her and I, but my heart is hurting to see my family split up. She wants it, i don't. We haven't told the boys yet. I don't know what else to say.........

Been there brother. My son was only 3 at the time but kids instinctively know these things. They can tell when something is not right wether you argue in front of them or not. He ended up much happier in the long run.
My marriage ended much less civil and I fought to save it. 9 yrs was really hard to give up and I can not imagine how long you are giving up on. If neither of you are happy then it is whats best for everyone, as tough as it seems.
It took me a little bit and some very disfunctuonal girlfriends to get passed it all but eventually I found happiness again.
There has been a lot of very good information from some great brothers here already. But if you need anything just pm me. It sucks. Keep ya head up!

 

[Mikenice81]

I've never been through a divorce. I've watched it happen to many people I know and watched my parents split up and make up several times before they finally called it quits. Remember to find creative ways to let of energy. Don't sit around much. It only makes things harder. Not having a way to focus energy and not having a social group of friends sent my dad into a deep depression that still lasts to some extent fifteen years later. Get out, make friends, and have a life. That doesn't mean date. It just means don't act like you're dead in the water.

Also, try to involve the kids as little as possible. On one occasion when my parents split I became a bit of a pawn because neither wanted to let go of having me around. I was in second grade, so I wasn't fully aware of what was going on. It lead to extreme depression, confusion and angst. I remember drawing a picture of a stick figure in my school journal. It had a little hobo stick over it's shoulder and a note to my best friend saying I was running away. That was the beginning of the end for my relationship with my parents. It took me over twenty years to realize that was the time that killed my relationships with both of them. It wasn't until I was in my late twenties that I patched things up with my pops. I still don't have a decent relationship with my mom.

A lot of other things contributed to the bad relationships. However, with my mom, the feeling that she ripped apart my relationship with my father never went away. She made it worse when I was a teenager, but her taking me from him in the middle of the day while I played with friends was the moment that ensured it would be awful for decades. That probably won't happen in your case. Still, remember the things you say and do right now will change relationships for a life time. Try to keep your words and actions as positive as possible and don't lean on your kids as a listening post. If friends aren't helpful enough seek out a professional or a minister. Sometimes months of talking is the best cure and opens up healthy introspection that you won't find otherwise.

 

[jonboy]

I appreciate the encouragement and advice brothers. This is the toughest time of my life by far. I know I'll come out the other side a better man, but the pain is almost unbearable at times.

 

[sofc]

I appreciate the encouragement and advice brothers. This is the toughest time of my life by far. I know I'll come out the other side a better man, but the pain is almost unbearable at times.

Never been through anything like that but know that there are people here who do care (even about random people on the internets we never met.)

 

[EO80]

I appreciate the encouragement and advice brothers. This is the toughest time of my life by far. I know I'll come out the other side a better man, but the pain is almost unbearable at times.

It will get easier bro. My ex had an affair and I thought it would be easier because of the betrayal to move on. It still hurt like a mofo. Time heals bro. Lean on any one of us. We are all here.

 

[plumber1965]

Jon been through this myself. Had a 20 year marriage fall to pieces. The stay busy thing helped me a bunch. Found a new hobby in photography and it kept me always going. The best advice I can give is never talk bad about your wife to your kids. Just let them know that you guys just can't live together any more. PM ME IF YOU NEED TO. this is hard but it does get easier.

 

[jonboy]

Signed the papers yesterday. Some moments I'm ok with it, others I'm not. My emotions are taking me on a serious roller coaster ride right now. Next HUGE hurdle is telling the boys. Planning on doing it this coming Saturday. I'm still struggling with wether or not to tell the whole truth about this not being what Daddy wants. On one hand I want them to know the truth about that, but on the other, I don't want to place the "blame" squarely at their Mom's feet.

 

[EO80]

There will be a right time to tell them. Right now is not going to be that time. It will be too fresh and they will be upset enough. It is a very hard thing for them to go through just like it is for you. The main thing to remember is that in the long run this will be better for them and you than sticking around to make something work that does not work. Not sure on ages of your boys but my son was 3. It was just this last year that he decided he was ready to know at age 10. I explained what his mother did and asked him if there was any point still being angry. His mom is happy and I am happily remarried. He said no and that he is actually happier now than when we fought all the time. He remembered what it was like even though we did not fight in front of him. If you need to talk let me know.

 

[THEMISCHMAN]

I'm really sorry to hear that. Just know we have your back, Jon. You will get through it and everything will work itself out. You know we are all only a PM away if you need anything. Keep your head up.

 

[jmartins]

Bump for all the brothers up there for the log weekend, your not alone!
JM

 

[mcroom]

Depressed that I am having to quit smoking due to recent heart attack. I am down to my last box of CC and then I will have to stop. Prayers would be appreciated as well as any advice.

 

[bdc30]

man sorry to hear that. What happened?

I know it may not feel like it, but better days might be ahead. A good friend of mine had 2 heart attacks at age 47, then quintuple bypass surgery. It forced him to make some lifestyle changes for sure but now 4 years removed from it I don't think he's ever been healthier.

 

[ZippoGeek]

Depressed that I am having to quit smoking due to recent heart attack. I am down to my last box of CC and then I will have to stop. Prayers would be appreciated as well as any advice.

Prayers brother!

 

[jmartins]

Depressed that I am having to quit smoking due to recent heart attack. I am down to my last box of CC and then I will have to stop. Prayers would be appreciated as well as any advice.

Brother my good vibes and prayers go out to you. Be strong.

 

[EO80]

Depressed that I am having to quit smoking due to recent heart attack. I am down to my last box of CC and then I will have to stop. Prayers would be appreciated as well as any advice.

So sorry to hear this. I am sure it will be tough but we are all around for support. Here is to your health brother!

 

[mcroom]

Thank you. I think I live to enjoy a good cigar every day. I will have to change this mindset; but how?

 

[jmartins]

@mcroom Think of it like so, the cigar is just a small daily joy you get to indulge in. If you continued to smoke could you say you would be capable of enjoying your family? A walk? The smell of fresh morning dew?
No, it is sad to say but we have all had to move on from things in life cause well life isn't always fair but life has given you across road and I think you should look at it as an opportunity to experience new things.
Life is the longest journey any of us will ever embark upon but why cut short a glorious trip? You will always be our brother, and you will always have a place here with us and know we rather have you with us than not at all, I believe your family feels the same way.
JM